Monday, October 29, 2007

last post? not if I do this again...


Saucy Brute + the Diamond Wedding Weekend Highlights
1. Dr. the "I'm buying a pitcher per person" Caveman (father of the groom), and Mrs. the "let's talk about how my son and daughter-and-law need good sex" Diamond (mother of the groom)
2. the popularity of our homebrews
3. being in charge of the alcohol
4. watching groomsman nop.bot in fine gay-tor drunken glory, including giving him a shot of water (while the rest of us took real shots)... which then resulted in him puking
5. dance-off with the great poet
6. college football
7. high school football, both the night before and the day after (playing on that hallowed ground)
8. S & J, and their breastfeeding bartender
9. how it was simply a magnified version of our typical lives anyway
10. being a part of the diamond & saucy brute's family

And when you wake up the morning after a wedding with the bridal bouquet in your house... does this mean you've simply done your duty as the best man?

Song of the Day: Bob Dylan - Make You Feel My Love

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

a woman (not my wife) sang / to me of the ghost land


A similarly blogging friend recently did a post creating a movie soundtrack from one's (randomly shuffled) music. I love music, and I hate astronomy, so I thought I'd kill some time at work with it. The relevant "movie" moment...

Wedding scene: Rilo Kiley - Ripchord. Now, at first, I was ridiculously excited, because of my grand scheme to marry Jenny Lewis (see the photo above, from last night's Rilo Kiley show in Tucson... it's a crappy picture, but I was distracted). But then I realized that Jenny Lewis doesn't actually take part in this particular song... instead, it's all done by the lead guitarist, who as a child was Pinski (Budnick's replacement) on Salute Your Shorts. Anyway, not my wife (Jenny Lewis). And then I realized that the lyrics to this song include 'cuz nobody loves you, etc. So much for coincidental fate. Even despite all my carefully laid plans, I am not, in fact, currently wed to Jenny Lewis.

In case you're wondering, or are looking to kill some time of your own, the iTunes-randomly-generated soundtrack to my autobiographical movie would go as follows below. I especially like the Driving and Death Scene choices, both of which I might have actually selected.

Opening credits: Modest Mouse - Styrofoam Boots/It's All Nice on Ice Alright
Waking up: The Velvet Underground - Pale Blue Eyes
First day of school: The White Stripes - This Protector
Falling in love: The Who - Happy Jack
Breaking up: Iron & Wine - Sunset Soon Forgotten
Prom: Tiger Army - Under Saturn's Shadow
Mental breakdown: Natalie Merchant w/ Billy Bragg & Wilco - I Was Born
Driving: Neil Young - After the Gold Rush
Flashback: The Beatles - Rocky Raccoon
Getting back together: Rage Against the Machine - People of the Sun
Wedding: Rilo Kiley - Ripchord
Birth of child: Goldfinger - 99 Red Balloons
Final battle: Counting Crows - Big Yellow Taxi
Death scene: Ben Kweller - Wasted & Ready
Funeral song: Johnny Cash - Flushed from the Bathroom of Your Life
End credits: Pavement - Newark Wilder

and the song of the day, one past the list (and certainly soundtrack-worthy)... The Beatles - A Day in the Life

Thursday, October 4, 2007

drunk again and looking to score


Last night I skipped frisbee to play kickball with sooz & her pink team, "drunk again and looking to score." I think I was a solid tribute to the team name:

1. I was a solid drinker... especially when umpiring for the other teams.
2. I scored from third on a suicide squeeze bunt up the third-base line.
3. I told a girl, so, sooz says I should sleep with 3 girls tonight... you can be one.

In dealing with the morning that follows nights like these... it's good to have a blender.

Song of the Day: CAKE - Shadow Stabbing

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

in frustration that the nozzle wouldn't fit my tire... I peed on this air machine


2 stories, related only because they happened in the same night.

At the grocery store last night, this girl ahead of me is trying to buy like 10,000 things all on some kind of gift card. Her card ends up being short like $35, and she decides to take things off. I can see that I'm in for a long wait, and the pork chops I left in the oven at home are probably going to burn. But instead, the dude right behind her offers to pay the bill. Now did she really not have a credit card or something to take care of it? I'm always suspicious of attractive women like this one who have men do stuff like this for them...

My new (used) road bike has had a slow leak in the front tire. I noticed that the nozzle was a little bent, so I straightened it and it seemed to fix the leak. I bike to work, home, out for a beer with law/latin-american-studies people, and back to work and the tire's staying full... and then when I go to bike home at about 1 am, I find that it's completely flat. So I end up with a long walk home. Apparently the alcoves of the Baptist church up the street from me are the comfortable spots for sleepy bums.

Song of the Day: Wilco - I'm Always In Love

Sunday, September 30, 2007

national pride


More on Africa...

We spent most of the trip in Botswana. I'm glad we did. Our time in Botswana included:

1. A mini-bus from Jo-burg (South Africa) to Gaborone. I count this as "in Botswana" because all the other people in the combi were Batswana (the Setswana way to say Botswanans). Ox ended up promising his older brother in marriage to a girl who claimed that she would be the star in "Big Mama's House 3!" Afterwards, ox says to me: well, I had to throw my brother out there, because pretty soon it was gonna be us instead. We stood them up at the Bull & Bush that evening, though it was only because we had a train to catch. It's quite sobering to recall that of those girls, 2 probably have HIV.

2. Camping out in the Ntwetwe Salt Pans. It was a completely barren desert, like pictures of the lunar surface. When I woke up in the morning, it was disorienting... nothing but flat unmarked desert in all directions. In case you're wondering, it tasted a lot more like dirt than like salt.

3. The highlight of the trip, a 3-day mokoro (dugout canoe) trip in the Okavango River Delta. Every morning and evening our guide led us from our campsite on hikes out into the bush. This featured elephants (above), warthogs, monkeys, baboons, hippos, giraffes, etc. It was amazing. I also really felt like I gained an understanding of the environment, as the guide pointed out all facets of the landscape and its inhabitants. It was quite different from the jeep-safari way to see wildlife.

Anyway, the people in Botswana were especially friendly. We took public transportation and hitchhiked, and felt generally comfortable even as we stuck out as the only white people around.

Song of the Day: The Decemberists - Sons & Daughters (I challenge you to find another song which uses- and rhymes with- the word "dirigible")

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

slick andy's donkey emporium


I've been back from Africa for almost 3 weeks, but I only just got a battery charger for my camera and managed to get the photos onto my computer. And I still have a lot to say about the trip.

Pictured above is my friend fiery ox, who just finished up his Peace Corps stint in Lesotho. He decided that he would take two months and just travel, and he asked me if I'd like to join him for some of it. So I did, for two weeks.

We started in Johannesburg, and I was pretty glad to get out of the city. As a whole, South Africa seemed paranoid and uncomfortable. White people were afraid of black Africans, and wealthy blacks were afraid of poor blacks. There probably is a violent crime problem, but I didn't witness it, so I can only comment on the paranoia. It's not very pleasant to walk around neighborhoods where all the homes sit behind 10-foot-tall fences topped with coils of barbed wire. And though all the other southern African countries are far less economically developed, I witnessed a lot more national pride from their citizens than from South Africans.

Plus, they lost my luggage for a day.

Song of the Day: The Strokes - You Only Live Once

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

not just a coach, but also a mentor


My camera battery is completely dead, but I managed to get about half of the pictures from my Africa trip onto my computer. Here's me and a baobab tree outside of Gweta, Botswana.

On an entirely unrelated note: Last night, during a cock-ale-tasting / blender-explosion party, surly barnacle decided that we should coach a pop warner football team. The following roles were quickly agreed upon:

head coach: surly barnacle
offensive coordinator: dirty jersey
defensive coordinator: me
line coach: the cook at bobo's
southern consultant: the diamond

Mustaches required for all the coaching staff. (The moms will love us.)

Film at 6 am, with two-a-days beginning at 8 am. I'll be staying up all night drinking so I can make it in time. The kids will have a lot to learn, with the 300 offensive plays (all featuring variants of the hook & ladder). There will be only defensive play: all-out blitz (including the corners).

Today, while checking out the website:
dirty jersey: 12-15, unlimited weight division: that's what we want. They allowed to be over 170 lbs! That's like my dream: 170+ lb 15-year-olds.
me: yeah, the coaching page says "looking for qualified head coaches..."
dirty jersey: that's us, right? I mean, they'd take us?
me: sure! I'll tell them, "I work with children. It's okay, I'm like a doctor."
dirty jersey: yeah, we'll put down: qualifications: master of astronomy.

Song of the Day: Wilco - Candy Floss

Thursday, August 23, 2007

battle at kruger: except I'm the baby buffalo


It's 1 am. In 6 hours, I'll board a plane to begin my two-week trip to Africa. I'm sitting in my office because I don't have internet at home. I biked here, because I decided to celebrate the imminent departure with a bottle of wine (a la nop.bot), and it's roughly 10,000 degrees outside in Tucson (yes, even in the middle of the night), so I'm dripping with sweat.

I find it easier to just stay up all night when I have to fly somewhere far away beginning early in the morning.

#2: okay, I have a story for you. wait, I should wait until you get back...
me: [assuming/hoping it's about a girl and grinning] umm... what?
#2: all right, I'll tell you know. so this friend of a friend of a friend, their grandfather studied birds in africa.
me: [realizing that it's not about a girl and I'm an idiot]
#2: so he gets kidnapped while he's there! it's by some tribe, and his family tries to get help, but the government isn't helping. finally, they find some official who will help ransom him back, and they pay like $2 million to get him back safely. he lived, but he was really sick for the rest of his life.

Mostly, I'm nervous about successfully meeting my friend in Johannesburg and getting eaten by hippos on our dugout canoe safari in Botswana. But I think it'll be okay. Today I bought a guidebook to Southern Africa, which I will read on the plane while I'm not embroidering my messenger-bag-patch.

I've been in need of an adventure. Let's see how this does.

(Pictured above is ginny, who recently departed on her own 3-month adventure to China. Of course, it's far more complicated than that, but I'll let you make your own assumptions.)

Song of the Day: Dispatch - Open Up

Saturday, August 18, 2007

how do you do it, bob log???


Tom Walbank, Al Foul, and Bob Log III (pictured above). All at Plush, my favorite bar.

We tried to explain how awesome this show was to someone who just moved here to Tucson...

#1 draft pick, bitches: best show in tucson, ever
me: well, calexico puts on the best tucson shows...
#1 draft pick, bitches: no. bob log is the greatest ever. and so's al foul. and tom walbank.
me: ok, maybe the 3 of them all at the same show together supercede calexico... but it's close.
#1 draft pick, bitches: whatever. You love Live.

In any case, it kicked ass. We could all use more helmet. I highly recommend that you check out Bob Log's videos on youtube. Most of his songs begin with ok: i'm gonna play this faster than the human mind can comprehend, or this song is perfect: everything that happens in this song is supposed to happen... damn, my shit is perfect... but you can't really understand him anyway, and he rocks out on the slide guitar.

Once again, everyone in Tucson was there. Oh, the vicious, vicious circle.

Song of the Day: Bob Log III - This Song is Perfect (Again)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

their words are better saved than mine


I use my cell phone as an alarm. When I was setting it to try to get to work before noon, I discovered that I have two random voice-memo thingys on my phone, among my custom ringtones (which I uploaded using some internet tool, rather than the expensive ones offered by the cell phone company). I have no idea how to record things on my phone. How the messages got there is a complete mystery to me: but a gloriously self-entertaining mystery at that (i.e.: an [action]-story).

The 2nd of these is the saucy brute giving me advice about a girl. I explained this to nop.bot, and...

nopbot: July 8, 2006!
me: what??
nop.bot: that's when it happened. there was a bbq, and that's when [saucy brute] was giving you advice about [...]

I was impressed. And he's probably right that I was getting girl advice on that date. But unfortunately for nop.bot, saucy brute and I have "girl talk" (as she calls it) probably once a week or so... and I can't blame him for picking the wrong occasion.

The other one was a recorded phone conversation... apparently nop.bot called around noon on a Saturday and my girlfriend-at-the-time answered the phone. Only his voice is recorded, but there's some discussion about living in sin.

I highly support having random recordings of my life resurface in the future.

Song of the Day: The Shins - Those to Come

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

birthday extravaganza #2


My birthday, and day 2 of the Nopey & Action Birthday Extravaganza Week. Wizard's Staff at Che's. In the photograph above, you may observe our grand instruments of magical compulsion. (The wizard with the longest staff gets to tell everyone else what to do.) While I was slightly disappointed that I was the only one who dressed according to the highest level of theme, at least several people showed up in theme-1 bandanas.

There was much wizard naming (i.e. Thuggothreenut, Rockoccolicious, Doc Cockulus, Carbonaut, etc.) and other assorted waving about of our glorious PBR constructs. I spent some time as the grand-master wizard, and thus was able to successfully deflect the nefarious wizard Felchencracken (at right) and his foul attempted namings.

Meanwhile the wizard Vomitus Inducius:
VI: hey [action], you want a shot?
me: uh... [pointing to my stack of 8 PBRs]
VI: all right, I'm buying you a shot!

Shortly afterward, Felchencracken finished his ninth PBR and I became known as Santorus Slurpus (left). It's a rough life, alas.

Final count: level 10 wizard, along with 2 shots. I also saw St Vincent, but I honestly can't say if the show was good or not. (Blue [above], who remained sober, said it was all right but kinda weird; while nop.bot, a solidly drunk level 8 wizard, said it was the worst show he's ever seen). Then blue met susan (my paddle), we talked canoeing for an hour or two, and I forced her to leave with Moby Dick.

Wizard's Staff may be the greatest drinking game ever.

Song of the Day: Neil Young - Keep on Rockin' in the Free World

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

birthday extravaganza #1


Nop.bot's birthday, and day 1 of the Nopey & Action Birthday Extravaganza Week. The saucy brute and the diamond hosted a barbecue, complete with always-delicious saucy brute cakes. My favorite gift was the bottle of wine and box of chocolate meant for nop.bot and I to share (at some future man-date, I suppose).

me: I feel a little like I'm being taken advantage of, I mean, being drunk...
ginny: well, doesn't that come with the territory?

later:

me: hey, how do we figure out [an embarrassing personal attribute of a person not to be named]?
ginny: what!?! why do you want to know that!
me: umm... because we're awful people? there's sort of a bet, I mean, uh...
ginny: oh, I'm totally judging you. see this? I'm judging you now. this is my judging you look.

Song of the Day: CAKE - Open Book

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Slamina!


I got this wedding invitation in the mail today. Not only was it personal and hand-written, but the bride-to-be also included a drawing of our favorite childhood animal. Best wedding invitation ever.

It was, however, a mistake to tell this to all the other bride-to-be's I know that are getting married soon.

Song of the Day: Elliott Brood - Riding in Time

Thursday, August 2, 2007

it's a *messenger* bag


I'm almost finished putting together my satchel-bag. What remains: the shoulder strap, the buckles (for which I'm using biners), some hemming... and a big fun patch for the flap. Above is basically what I want the patch to be. Problem is, I can't find such a patch anywhere I've looked. (If you know where to find it, let me know.) So I think I'll have to make it myself. Saucy brute took me shopping at a fabric store, and I think I've managed to get most of the required materials. And I think I'll get #1 to draw the template onto the fabric.

Now I just need to learn how to do the actual embroidery.

Song of the Day: Bouncing Souls - Kate is Great

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Bike Gang!!!


Welcome to the 2nd post of its name, dedicated to the glories of the bike gang.

Oh oh! sweet bike gang: I love thee like PBR
Whilst your glory, I cry out
in thunder and wet-brake squelch.
Men both machined and firearm-ed
Stagnate helpless afore our might
While you and I, bike gang...
hand-in-handlebar...
Ride on through the night.

I didn't take any pictures, because I was too drunk. So while looking for something suitable, I found the above map to my old house. I don't live there anymore, so following it won't get you anywhere. It doesn't have much to do with the bike gang, really, save that the marked underpass is currently under construction and caused a couple of detours.

For more on the sweet, sweet glories of the bike gang, see here.

When you're so drunk you can't even focus with that random attractive girl who's trying to make conversation / get you to dance, even while she completely blows off your friend... you know it's a good night.

Song of the Day: Ted Leo & the Pharmacists - Me & Mia

Monday, July 23, 2007

waiting for action jacqueline


I took all my puppy-raising books back to the library yesterday. I just don't think I can handle the drastic lifestyle change on my own. So to the the only close friend in the past few years who has actively encouraged my getting a puppy... not today, and probably not for a few more months, at least. Sorry. To everybody else... okay, maybe you're right. For now.

Alas, it's a catch-22. While puppies = great way to meet women, I don't think I could handle caring for one while I live alone. Of course, some good roommates would work too.

Song of the Day: Billy Bragg & Wilco - At My Window Sad and Lonely

Thursday, July 19, 2007

i hear he drives a school bus, too


Richey deChico. Avid golfer, recreational boxer, and all-around sporting sort. Resides in north Jersey. Proprietor of deChico & Sons Moving Company. Alleged ties to racketeering and organized crime, but no arrests or convictions.

Song of the Day: Ben Kweller - The Rules

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

it's what I do


I went to Vegas. It was the diamond's bachelor party.

woman of unnamed occupation: so who's the best man?
me: uh... uh... I guess that's me.

To see our gloriously fine suits, you'll have to make do with the picture above. Until we wear them again.

post-Vegas:
me: yeah, the trip was perfect, exactly what it was supposed to be: lots of glorious stupid masculinity. but it was starkly centering, too. I mean, it was like, okay, vegas is *not* my town. that's not who I am.
blue: is it anyone's town?

Song of the Day: Neil Young - On the Way Home

Friday, July 13, 2007

DWI


I stayed at work pretty late last night, till around closing time for the bars here in Tucson. This always makes for an entertaining bike ride home, since my route goes by most of the bar scene.

At an intersection with a separate bike line in the center, a car pulls up to me next to me.
the driver (slurred): hey! is that a cop car behind me?
me: um, no... that's a pickup truck.
the driver: okay, great.
She then peels out
, jumping the curb into an illegal left turn.

I bike down through a two-lane underpass, and I'm immediately surrounded by 5-6 cars all zipping past me, laying on their horns and yelling to me and each other. I can't hear anything they're saying over their horns, but they seem pretty excited about it. Meanwhile, I'm figuring one of them is going to hit me, and I'm just wondering if it will be by accident or on purpose. Then a cop car pulls out from out of nowhere and slides into the middle of their pack. I'm thinking, okay, I guess I'm gonna witness a DUI bust... But the cop just drives along with them as they keep speeding, yelling, and laying on their horns. I'm not really sure what he was looking for.

I was pretty excited to get back to my quiet, pitch-dark, and very safe neighborhood street (above).

Song of the Day: The Clarks - Last Call

Monday, July 9, 2007

not a drifter


In college, I definitely strategically placed books and other items around my dorm room so that they could be noticed and used as conversation pieces. I still put some effort into arranging my bookshelf, with my more visible bookshelf (above) holding books-to-be-noticed, and my less visible shelf with the less interesting books. Far fewer random people come through my room than a dorm, of course, but I get pretty excited when someone sees my shelf and says, ooh! look!

Somehow, though, I still keep a bible on my shelf. Although it's not personally important like the London and Melville above it, it still seems too important in general to not be on the shelf.

On a completely separate note, I get very embarrassed when it's the day after I was really drunk, and, despite any previous conviction that PBR has magical properties and cannot cause post-drinking discomfort, I am extremely hungover. It's not that it was necessarily actually embarrassing: I think it's simply that I'm embarrassed to be hungover at all. Although it happens often enough.

Song of the Day: Wilco - In a Future Age (Alternate Take)

Sunday, July 8, 2007

my dinners sadly involve far less balsamic vinegar


Saucy brute and the diamond had a bunch of us over for a big dinner, with homemade pasta and homegrown tomatoes. It was delicious, of course... whenever saucy starts to say, yeah, I don't know how good this will be, I just explain to her what I'd be eating instead, and she quits hedging. The company was also far superior to most of my dinners, and I got to share some homebrew with a fledgling brewer.

Saucy and the diamond are getting married in October, and they asked me to give the best man's toast. (Maybe I should note that it was the bride that actually asked me...) Dinner with the bride and groom and their friends was a great brainstorming session for me.

Song of the Day: Wilco - Summer Teeth

Friday, July 6, 2007

motivation & distraction


Okay, it's [action]-story time.

So, I was driving to the grocery store, when I see this ridiculously cute girl riding her bike. Now, it's been a long time since I've actually seen a girl I could ever become interested in, so I think that I'd forgotten that they existed. This random girl-on-bike could have been one of those. It also got me thinking about how women get about 10 bonus hot points if riding a bike (that's on the (0-10) * (0-10) attractiveness scale). But I digress...

So then I start thinking, damn, I need to do something exciting again. At this point it was all subconscious, but I'll explain the cause at which point it surfaced in this stream of consciousness. So after the grocery store I start to get a sleeping bag and some food together to go drive up near Sedona and backpack and look for elk. Then I decide, wait! I know what's causing this! It's just like that Sports Night episode, where Dan gets writer's block, then gets it cured when he meets a hot volleyball player because he remembers why he grew to love writing in the first place... like Jeremy said, it's the same reason anyone does anything: for beautiful women!

With this epiphany in mind, I resolved to go to work posthaste, and do some Impressive Astronomy. But while biking in, I noticed lightning! The monsoons have arrived! It felt much cooler, even if it actually wasn't. The oppressive laziness of the 105+ summer was shifted, shrugged off from the city. So I biked around for a while. Then I came to work, and told everyone that the monsoons had come. So we began to make plans on where to go watch the lightning tonight. Then I decided this had to be recorded.

Now it's 4 pm, and I still haven't done any work, Impressive Astronomy or otherwise. And the red sox game is on the radio. Ah, well.

Song of the Day: Marah - The Dishwasher's Dream

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

all hail the bushy-tailed


One last shot of the ToN glory (hellmouth and frumpy... note that frumpy is drinking from the one and only cup of names). I will, after all, be reliving the experience for much of the next year. Oh, how I look forward to the dvd production that my friends will concoct.

Anyway, my trip finished up a wedding of the seltzer and the bringer of rain. Weddings are a mix for me, because it's fun to drink / dance / be happy for the wedded couple / see friends, it's also sad because, um, I'm not getting married. I always greatly appreciate those who invite me "& guest" because having a date makes weddings so much easier. Flying solo, I end up offering to breakdance as a gift for the groom:

me: but you have to stand there with me... I don't want people to think the breakdancing is about me... it's my gift for you.
seltzer: but what am I supposed to do?
me: umm... just watch? ooh, I know, you could do it with me!

He wasn't so keen on that.

The wedding was in State College, which was nice to reminisce (including peeing on a random building). But I don't belong there anymore. Really, that's a relief. I feel mature for having moved on, and I recognize I have a solid place in Tucson.

Only two years and I get to move somewhere else :).

Song of the Day: SR71 - Right Now

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

stew instead of fry


The ToN. An annual event in which more than a dozen old friends from college get together and... well, we do a lot of things. Here is a brief list:

1. Drinking. All involved are very pompous drinkers. Two of us brew our own beer, three others are pompous cocktail makers (one of whom runs a cocktail blog). However, let not our taste for quality indicate that we do not also consume great quantities. I transported 70 pounds of "Longrifle's Cactus Brew" across the country just to share with everyone.

2. Penguins. Just trust me on this one.

3. Competition. From canoe races to Legos to culinary battles. There was also a greased watermelon.

4. The invention of new words, and the resurfacing of old ones. Like cockholster. Nothin' like a good cockholster... Also see: pumate.

5. Music. Four guitar players, three fiddle players (one of whom also plays stairway, etc on her harp), two harmonica attemptees, and several who just make up their own songs.

6. the Seltzer. There is only one.

7. Fire. I lit myself on fire, intentionally and while sober. Thankfully, the fist-sized burn on my chest is healing quickly. I think all around me thought it was mostly cool, except for the stench of burning hair.

8. Semi-nudity. This was kind of a new one this year, and video evidence indicates that I was the ringleader.

me: You're wearing 100% too much shirt! Frost-Arrow! Come with us! [sunshine rider]! You're still wearing a shirt, what the hell! sunshine rider!!! Okay... it's canoe time. Canoe! Time!
frost-arrow (trying to drag me away): okay, let's canoe...
me: I'm portaging, I'm portaging, it's cool... ohhh, let me slip it down. Okay! There is only 50% shirtlessness! [lingerie warrior], you're doing well.
lw: thank you
shroom: look, you've got more than 50%
me: okay, there is only 67%!
lw: look, you won't be the ToN whore, because 50%, I mean... I.
shroom: If I take my shirt off, then...
me: I mean, if I have to, I'll take my pants off!

etc. (my version of a "scary campfire story" was to say it was a dark and stormy night then turn around and moon everyone)

I also spent the last week in New York. But I just wrote a letter to E about that, and I'll probably write another one to fiery ox... so you can just ask me how that went.

Song of the Day: Tiger Army - Outlaw Heart

Friday, June 8, 2007

meanwhile sooz and the lesbians had papelboners


I went to see the Red Sox play in Phoenix the other night... thanks to nonstop for organizing the trip. We had seats right above the Red Sox bullpen. It was a blowout win, starting with Lugo's leadoff homer. As any fan knows, this is the only sort of game to watch your team play and keep your blood pressure at reasonable levels.

Before the game, Ortiz - a giant black guy with a Dominican accent who scowls murder at opposing pitchers and hugs everyone on his own team - came out and had this little white guy stretch him.

Yeah, I'd be that little white guy.

Song of the Day: The Dropkick Murphys - Tessie

Monday, June 4, 2007

Back


It's true... it's not actually the date listed above. But I have some things to say about a concert on this day (and I only figured out the date by checking the timestamp on the above drunken text message).

I love live music. I'll see almost anyone live, and I'll probably have a good time even if they play sad bastard music, or just plain suck. But the Hold Steady is my current favorite band to see live. I've seen them every time they've hit Tucson, and I'm thankful to have managed it.

Still, the crowds at these shows are generally filled by single young white guys... I don't have a clear explanation, but I've been throwing that around in my head in the weeks since.

Song of the Day: the Hold Steady - Stevie Nix

Friday, June 1, 2007

he also referred to my earlocks as "something to hold on to"


This post is dedicated to my dear friend and brewing partner Surly Barnacle. Recently he remarked, why does [action] get to have these things happen to him?

This is my favorite thing to hear, ever. And I probably spend most of the time watching my life as a spectator, without a clue on why things happen. Almost everyone seems to be nice to me, all the time. Except for the Surly Barnacle. He's always right to me, without bothering to be nice to me. Hence his extreme value as a friend.

Song of the Day: Beastie Boys - Professor Booty

Sunday, May 27, 2007

at least the rotten fallen tree is gone


Another casualty to the Arizona sun.

Nop.bot likes to follow the little Asian* lady strategy. According to him: see, the way I figure it, walking around with an umbrella isn't going to prevent me from having sex. the girls that wouldn't have sex with me because I carry an umbrella wouldn't have sex with me anyway. as long as I live my life by this principle, I figure I'm doing pretty good.

Song of the Day: Neil Young - Come on Baby, Let's Go Downtown

* By the way, is this PC? Apparently Oriental is no longer appropriate... is that true? Anyway, I attribute umbrellas to Chinese and Japanese women both. I guess that might make me a racist anyway, so maybe I can use any racial descriptor I damn well please.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

he was making out with her first, how was I to know that he was bi?


I was reading the New Yorker when I came across this lovely little gem. Now the poems in the New Yorker are usually unimpressive (they just have no rhythm, said the old guy in my last community theater play)... but this one was ridiculous. Your aluminum softball baseball bat drooped like a penis when you saw your abusive dad? That's not just a shitty forced metaphor, it's also not even that interesting. It reminds me of a guy I know, who we'll call bi, who just sent me a text message. Bi's effort to be interesting is to be shocking. While this is fun from a distance, it doesn't hold up one-on-one. Insert your forced penis metaphor here.

Lately I've been noticing that some of the articles in the New Yorker are actually bad. I can't tell if this is some sort of graduation on my part, finally rising beyond simple worship of the magazine's liberal elitism and show of polish... or if I've read so much that I've grown too elitist.

Song of the Day: Beastie Boys - The New Style

Sunday, May 20, 2007

rraj


This weekend...
Friday: Enjoying the newly smoke-free bars, med students, the old man going toe-to-toe
Saturday: Red Elvises (above)
Sunday: BBQ, and the cherry wheat isn't that bad

It's gonna be a good summer. Although one of the med students did inform us fellas that we're 5 times more likely to get throat cancer from giving oral sex to women than from smoking. That's unfortunate.

Song of the Day: Spoon - I Turn My Camera On

Friday, May 18, 2007

long lost


Yeah, it's back. I'll be posting again more regularly, though maybe to the tune of 3-4 times a week, rather than every day.

Here are 10 things I've done since my last post, in no particular order:

1. Made (and ate) pie
2. Watched meth addicts awkwardly dance at a folk festival
3. Gone to court fully intending to fight a ticket, then pleaded "responsible" and paid it anyway
4. Saw a musical satire of Pirates ofthe Carribbean
5. Threw two hammers in a frisbee league game (and was the only person on the team to throw any at all)
6. Spent an afternoon trying to clean & fix my bike, mainly resulting in streams of curses and getting covered in grease
7. Listened to my beloved Red Sox almost every day while they turned the Yankees and others into their personal bitches
8. Brewed a cherry wheat beer, which actually seems to far exceed our expectations as solely a device for scamming on teenage girls
9. Insisted on splitting up instead of doing the long-distance thing with a girlfriend of 1-2 months as she moved away for the summer (technically, she [at least initially] wanted to avoid the long-distance connection thing too)
10. Been caught flagrantly breaking the law at a Bright Eyes show, but was too intoxicated to care, even while the man let me walk

Song of the Day: Neil Young - Revolution Blues

Sunday, April 29, 2007

happy birthday evan!!!


The 2nd part of beanfest was drinking. Above, you see me carrying singalong around. Apparently she doesn't usually drink.

This just preceeded singalong's interpretative dance of the life of a tree. I played the role of the sun. Meanwhile, she shouted at rhubarb snack: come on! you have the be the water! without the water, I can't germinate! Then we had pie.

Maybe you had to be there.

Song of the Day: White Stripes - Apple Blossom

Saturday, April 28, 2007

rock 'n' roll, hold the roll


Nasty nizzle remarked to me the other day that the toughtest time to blog is when you've got the most going on. When life is less interesting, you're far more likely to post. I'm like that about all of my creative outlets... I have to slow down from living to reflect and create. That's why I haven't worked on making my satchel-bag for a few months, that's why I haven't written much new material for about a month, and that's why my found book hasn't changed in a while.

But it's been exciting. Today (which, as the date above claims, is Saturday, and we all know that computers can't lie, so it has to be true), I went climbing outdoors for the first time. It kicked ass. I'm looking forward to many more trips.

And even better, the climbing was followed by a night of drunken debauchery, and more old men getting stoned that I have ever seen. There was pie, thigh whiskey, something that tasted like chartreuse, and beans. Maybe I'll post another picture of all that. Or maybe I won't. I'm a pretty unmotivated photobloggist right now, but I'm certainly not unmotivated at action-living.

Song of the Day: Joe Strummer & the Mescaleros - Johnny Appleseed

Friday, April 20, 2007

my mustache love... oh-ee-oh-ee-oh


I gave my first "general" science talk today, to the Arizona Astronomy Board. These are rich people (lawyers, CEOs, etc) who like to give money to astronomy. And they were lucky enough to experience a super-special mustache talk. Above is the "And also, it's awesome to go to Chile" slide from my presentation.

I was pretty pleased with how it went... several people told me they think I'll make a good teacher, and a few even asked me questions afterwards. One (mustached) lawyer-guy in particular was so happy with my explanation of redshift and the expansions of the universe that he gave me a hug. Yep... that was mustache love, right there.

Song of the Day: Hot Hot Heat - Pickin' It Up

*Title is sung to the tune of Jungle Love by Morris Day & The Time

Monday, April 16, 2007

mr president, I don't like you... you don't know how to rock!


Electric 6. In my opinion, it was a better show than last year's. Maybe that's because I had a mustache. Also 7 beers. What I learned:

1. The bastard child of Liza Monelli & John Glenn learned to play the drums in the Meteor Crater.
2. To connect politically, it is best to pretend to be a 73-year-old man on his 3rd wife, while the audience pretends to be blackhawk helicopters.

Unfortunately, a poor girl never got to fully experience the schemer mustache ride. And I was all prepped as wingman: yo, this is my boy lightning... he hardly ever strikes twice, but maybe you'll get lucky.

There were many fake mustaches also present at the show. While I appreciate that this is better than nothing... it's really just not the same.

Song of the Day: Bad Religion - Stranger than Fiction

Saturday, April 14, 2007

the mustache made me do it


Thankfully, only a few of the kids avoided me while I belayed this morning at the kid's climb. Then I went hiking with E, up to Romero Pools for the first time.

Song of the Day: Arcade Fire - (Antichrist Television Blues)

Friday, April 13, 2007

hide your children


All through Mustache Night #2, E kept getting compliments on her mustache. When we left the Surly Wench, a couple of street musicians even started an improv song about it (that girl's got a mustache... and khaki pants... yeah she's got a mustache... and khaki pants...). I was feeling jealous until some girl yelled out of a car window as we biked home: nice mustache! your boyfriend is totally hot!

Witness the power of the mustache.

Song of the Day: Son Volt - The Search

Thursday, April 12, 2007

what about the millard fillmore?


The mustaches are among us.

3-balls (right) definitely takes the award for best mustache. Meanwhile, I took a lot of shit because I haven't shaved yet...

schemer: that's it, we're gonna hold you down and shave you... [surly], will you help hold him down?
surly: only if I get to rape him.

Welcome to the mustache. (Thankfully, I was neither forcibly shaved nor raped.) The hater joined me in the ranks of the still-bearded: I will not shave a lesser president from the mt rushmore that is my facial hair...

On the one hand, I want to badly to have a mustache too. On the other hand, I sure am glad that I don't look like they do (yet).

Song of the Day: Bon Jovi - Dead or Alive

Thursday, April 5, 2007

and on lead guitar and harmonica...


[photo from the archives]

I got a wedding invitation from seltzer & the bringer of rain (yep, she's that badass) in the mail today. Clearly marked on the invitation was "[Action] and Guest." I think that's pretty swell... I've been the excluded date from one wedding, and I've tip-toed to request bring a girlfriend outside the circle of friends to another, and it's a lot better when the people getting married are generous enough to do the blanket invite. Now I just have to finish the storybook I promised I'd write for them.

And meanwhile... Son Volt rocks. Life is good. And I'm still a Boy Scout (E: yeah...).

Song of the Day: Belle & Sebastian - The Blues are Still Blue

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

remember, zombies can only be killed by destroying the brain


It's true: despite my flaming liberalism, I own guns. From left to right, a 30-06, a .22, and a 16-gauge pump-action shotgun. Besides their obvious uses during zombie attacks, they're all for hunting. A few days ago I was drawn in the lottery to hunt elk here in Arizona. I'll be using my flintlock rifle, the only gun I own that isn't in my gun safe (it's at my parents' house in PA). The hunt isn't until next November, but already my dad is making big plans on coming out and going along to watch me hunt. (I should also note that most of the father-son bonding between my dad and I happened on hunting trips.)

Handguns, on the other hand, terrify me. Whenever I see a cop walking around with a holstered handgun, I tense up. I guess it's because my rifles and shotgun were designed for killing animals, whereas handguns were designed for killing people.

Song of the Day: R.E.M. - Lightnin' Hopkins

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

"i'm so amped right now..."


Before last Tuesday, it had been a year and a half since I had done any climbing. I used to go with my little brother (with the Big Brother / Big Sister program), but when that ended (i.e., he stood me up and stopped returning my calls), I quit going. But now E has gotten me excited about it again. I'm thankful. It seems to be the right kind of intensely self-competitive sport for me, and I'm driven to get better. I also keep running into folks that I know at the gym too, like scojo and deuce and OJ and of course, #1 & smoove.

E keeps talking to me about some open rock climbing soon...

Song of the Day: Jack Johnson - Bubble Toes

Monday, April 2, 2007

that thing I should be too smart to care about


The schemer and I have made a deal: whenever the yankees win and the red sox lose (e.g., today), he has to buy me a beer. Whenver the yankees lose and the red sox win, I buy him a beer. He made me promise to let him drink from my mug when I buy, so our consumption remains perfectly even. So, either the red sox win, and I'm happy, or I get bought a beer, and I'm happy. Flawless.

After the gators trounced the buckeyes (or, like we used to call them at penn state, the fuckeyes... god we were clever), la grizzle was vainly trying to restore balance and bring nop.bot (from florida, and a uf alumnus) back down. dude, it's not going to work, I insisted, that mustache is like a forcefield. How can you feel insults when you're sporting such a fine mustache?

Song of the Day: Leadbelly - There's a Man Going Round Takin' Names

Sunday, April 1, 2007

hammer, supercell, & michelle

The email I sent to my team today:

yo Hammer Time!

for those of you who weren't there today, it was an awesome team effort in our victory by forfeit... keep studying up on your MC Hammer dances for next week: we'll play pick-up again on Saturday with another official game on Sunday.


The grad student softball league has been really poorly organized: today was the first day that there was enough people on 2 teams for an official game (sadly, those were the other two teams playing at our time slot... our scheduled opponent had only one player). The most we got to do is what you see above, as M and I warm up on grounders. But at least we're still having fun playing pick-up on Saturdays.

Song of the Day: Seven Nations - Factory Song

Saturday, March 31, 2007

the great white dromedary has lost an ear?


My driver's side mirror has gone missing. I don't really know what happened to it, although I have a hazy recollection of bumping the mirror on a telephone pole while parking at OB & schemer's. Still, it's much more interesting to assume that it got ganked by some vanity-obsessed hooligan, or perhaps that it was clipped by one of those old people on segways that I see in my neighborhood sometimes...

Song of the Day: Neil Young - World on a String

Friday, March 30, 2007

Over the Top




I try to go to the gym 3 times a week. It makes it a lot easier when other people want to go too... usually if you have a group of 3 people to go lifting, only 1 is actually motivated to go on any given day, but they convince the other two to go anyway. Pancho villa (above) and the schemer have been going too since they showed up as first-years.

This is what I'm working to. Well, that, and walking around my office in a wife-beater on International Mustache Day.

Song of the Day: Wolfmother - Woman

Thursday, March 29, 2007

WWSD?


On Tuesday, E said something like you know I'm a desert rat when... That got me to thinking: I'm definitely not a desert rat. Here I am in the desert, and I'm probably more of an squirrel or an otter. I like the desert, but I miss forests and streams and lakes. (All this makes me think of those Brian Jacques books of my childhood, too... if only I could be as bad-ass as those badgers...)

Last night, at optimist club, I had a dance-off with some guy. I think he won with his last little spin maneuver, although he couldn't replicate my desparate 6-step response. After the contest, he took off his knit cap and stood next to me, revealing the same curly mess of hair and scruffy beard. Well met, indeed. And it turns out that E can really spin, too.

Song of the Day: Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage

PS the title refers to this awesome shirt.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

ridiculous


You're not supposed to get a ticket while riding your bicycle on a first date. I mean, technically, we only slowed for the stop sign, but we looked both ways, saw that there was no traffic, and continued. We didn't cut anyone off, and we didn't breeze through. I mean, stopping requires some effort on a bike, especially on an incline... and we were pretty tired from climbing.

Maybe this is just some sort of conservation of goodness. I suppose I had it coming to me, for how good the whole evening was. (Or we had it coming to us?)

Song of the Day: Son Volt - Action

Monday, March 26, 2007

free mustache rides


They're coming. Some of them are so close, you can almost smell them.

Friday, April 20: International Mustache Day

Really, this year will be a bonus round here in Tucson: April 16-21 will be mullets and mustaches WEEK.

Look at those beautiful shaggy, bushy pre-mustaches and pre-mullets above. It will be glorious indeed.

Song of the Day: The Hold Steady - Charlemagne in Sweatpants

Sunday, March 25, 2007

hammer time!


Hammer Time!, my grad student league softball team, had its first game today. Yesterday, at our "practice," I kept swinging and missing... since I'm the captain, I felt pretty shitty about sucking so hard. So today I took my trusty Hammer (above) and a ball, and pounded the ball against the back wall of my backyard (any patrons of the art gallery on the other side of the wall may have been a little confused). Anyway, we dominated... I was all ready to do the hammer-dance (it's called the typewriter, says one of my teammates), but we also had to forfeit because we were shy a couple of girls for the co-ed rules.

Hellmouth also headed back to PA this morning. I hope he was as happy to see me as I was to hang out with him again.

All in all, I'd call it a top 100 weekend*. That is, I expect only 100 weekends to be this good over the whole of my lifetime. My state of mind is evidenced by my Friday-night conversation with k-luv, who I was too drunk to remember to be mad at:

me: so how's life?
k-luv: uh, pretty good. i'm tired now, I guess...
me: what? why are you tired?!?
k-luv: because it's 1 am!
[pause]
k-luv: how are things with you?
me: oh god... awesome... life is good, I mean... the best! the best ever! shit, there's so much... I mean, I was just in chile. you probably heard about that, right?
k-luv: oh yeah, everybody was talking about it
me: what? really?
k-luv: no, I was just making fun of you. but yeah, I heard about it
me: okay... uh... I'm going to go over there now

Now I'm just finding my feet again, trying to catch up at work.

Song of the Day: Modest Mouse - Ocean Breathes Salty

*Why do I like making such lists and proclamations? Probably because I've watched High Fidelity too many times. It is, after all, in my top 5.